Fernsehturm

There are two locations where despair sets in faster and more intensely than anywhere else for me – around 3am when I can’t get to sleep, and at work meetings where all I want to do is sleep. The big question that keeps going round and round in my head is “What am I doing with my life, there has got to be a more satisfying way of earning a living than this?”

As yet no viable alternative has occurred to me, and what with the economic climate being the way it is, there is so no way I can just chuck it all in. So what sort of job would make me happy, well here’s a short list of alternative jobs I could possibly do.

• Political polling pundit guy. Let’s face it what could be better than being one of these blokes. You only have to work when there’s an election on i.e. for a couple of months every four/five years. You appear on TV billed as an expert and get to say stuff like “It was the goat-fucking incident that lost David Cameron Bromsgrove North. That seat has the highest levels of public goat ownership in the UK at 74%, what was he thinking.” People nod, take your soundbites as gospel and pay you for it…sign me up now!
• Fishmonger. Positives: Take home scallops, crab, sea bass and lobster every night, work with my hands, never have to look at Excel again. Negatives: I’d smell of fish.
• Mundane Travel Writer.  I despair at what passes for travel writing being peddled in the shops these days. You’ve got to have “an angle” e.g. the first man to climb the Himalayas by hovercraft, etc. What’s wrong with good observational travel writing with a smattering of historical and cultural colour? I’m already working on my first book, Belgium By Train, to be followed by Stuff I Thought While On Holiday In Sweden, and 101 Classic Package Holidays.
• Grateful Dead Archivist – actually saw this advertised a while back and it was featured on the Daily Show too. I reckon all I need to do is study for a professional archivist qualification, move to California, get my hands on a time machine, complete the application form and get an interview and the job will be mine….I think I have a shot at this one.
• Professional TV Watcher. If your anything like me, you record a lot of TV shows that you never seem to get through. Well I could watch them for you, then triage your outstanding shows into A) Excellent – watch this first, B) Okay – watch when you get time and C) Shite – delete.